Mehmood and the Art of Writing Satirical Epistles

Dear fans,

Before I write anything I would like to inform all of you that I am a highly uneducated man. So you all have to MAAF KARO me for my nice grammarless English.

Every issue of Film Fare issue has somebody on the cover page who gives the feature article. They talk about movies, or their personal lives. I do not want to repeat all these things and make you all bored. I better bore you all with something else.

Funny, funny things are happening in this world. The entire world is talking about peace but there is no peace. Because of the Middle East the middle class people have gone into pieces. Just because of crude oil the whole world has become crude. Prices have gone up so high, people used to eat three times a day but now they eat once in every three days.

One cannot avoid thinking about all these problems. The other day while thinking of all this I fell asleep, and I saw a dream. I would like to share that dream with you.

I found myself walking out of my house and on to the road; because petrol was not available there were no cars, buses, taxis or trucks. Nor were there any PPHATT-PPHATTIS or scooters. There were four lanes, one for fast walkers, one for slow walkers, one for ladies and one for boys and girls who wanted to LINE MAARO. The traffic lights and police were there as usual. The only difference in the appearance of the people was that all were having indicator lights attached to their left and right hips, to avoid accidents. I joined the lane for the MAAROING and while walking I saw a huge a sign saying SMELL-INN. I wondered what type of place this was so I put on my right indicator, turned off the road, and entered the restaurant.

I saw something unbelievable. There was no place to sit so nearly all the customers were standing in rows. The most peculiar thing was that nobody was eating. I heard someone ask the bearer "EK PLATE BIRYANI LAO SOONG NE KE LIYE". The bearers brought Biryani and put it in front of that customer's nose. He smelled the Biryani for five minutes, then he asked for the check. He paid five rupees for smelling the biryani and one rupee for tip. I thought this was very strange, so I asked him what was going on, he told me, "I can't afford to eat Biryani because it cost fifteen rupees per plate.

After hearing that I left the restaurant, because I had also smell the Biryani chori se and my mind was full. Nearby there was a house. I heard people crying loudly. So I went inside the house and saw that a man was dying. I tried to explain to his relatives. This man is dying. Why don't you let him die in peace? If you people will cry then, his soul will be troubled.

Then one of his relatives shouted at me, "We are not crying because he is dying and we will miss him, we are crying because we want him to die after two months, just before the elections so that all prices will go down and Lakdi will be cheap to jalao him.

After seeing this, I prayed that there should be an election every month so people could afford to die. Then I saw a dream within a dream. I have become the Prime Minister and I announce "50% of the country's currency is missing; therefore anyone who has got black money can come out and put it in the bank. No one will ask you where this money has come from. The only thing is that whatever you spend from your black money you have to pay 50% tax on that. The black money which you have put in the bank will not be counted as your wealth. By doing this at least BLACK PAISA will come out and there will rolling of money".

After that I saw that my country is the richest and most powerful country in the world.

As P.M. every one was scared of me and I took advantage of that for a good cause. I found out that the Bombay Poona road was in very bad condition. I announced that I am coming to Poona and from there I am going to Bombay by road. When the Road Minister hear this he got so scared that if P.M. will see the condition of the road I will lose my job. Overnight he had the road completely repaired. I found out the road was O.K. So I cancelled my trip.
  In all my Panjvarshiyojna's I have ........ whatever we have built, bridges, railway lines, highways and dam are all under repair. The tragedy in all those i is the day after inauguration I get the news that the thing I have inaugurated is under repair, be it road, bridge, ship, plane or any damn thing. Being P.M. of a huge country, I have many more problems. I have to look after everything and believe me or not I was really feeling that I am the only man. I am the only Human Being who can save the country. How many things a lady, I am sorry, a man can look after one time. But I am the one who can easily change the entire nation. One day I realized why those things are happening. I called the dam Minister and asked him how the dam got cracked when we have spent crores of rupees to build it. The Dam Minister was not at all able to tell me anything so I used own BHEJA. I came to know the dam contractor was the relative of the Dam Minister and he has given contract to another contractor taking some profit. Like this there were six changes in contractors and each of them had given their contract to other while keeping some profit.

The budget of the Dam was 22 crores, after taking out the profit of six contractors. The Dam was made in ten crores. That's why the crack was there. Though I was late to use my BHEJA of this I finally did it. I caught all of them and threw them to the Girnar Jungle for lion's food. It sounds like Swastika . Sorry I had to do that, anyhow I promise you in my CHHLOO-PANJVARSHIYOGNA. I'll take care of all these things. And after giving this sort of Swastika punishment I am sure there will be no more corruption in my country.
  I found out that the financial budget for Family Planning was fantastically high. But with all this publicity etc. there was no result. The population was growing more and more every they. Therefore I have two children; the husband should be forcefully taken by special police to have NASBANDI.

When I open my eyes I saw my seven children standing in front of me. I enjoyed my dream and I hope you did too. I am only sorry to say it is too late to have my own NASBANDI.

God Bless all of you and my Country
Mehmood


This article was published in Filmfare magazine’s 19 April, 1974  edition in the form of his own hand-written letter.